Dear Papabear,
First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. It hurts a lot to lose someone you love (trust me, I know). Please accept my deepest condolences. So here it goes….. I have recently discovered the fandom, and it looks awesome! I see a lot of things that I would like to become involved with (fursuiting, volunteering, making new friends, etc.), within the fandom. However, I am a little unsure if I would fit in with all of it though, due to my age (I’m 36). Is there in age limit on this? What is the furry view of age within the fandom? Would I be the oldest guy at Anthrocon?!?! Any advice you give would be greatly appreciated. Thanks! -Spirit Bear * * * Dear Spirit Bear, Thank you for your well wishes. As to your question, no, there is no limit on age. While it’s true that the majority of furries are in their teens and twenties, there are quite a few of us (including yours truly who is 50) who are older. At 36, you’re what is known as a “greymuzzle,” or, as some of the overly sensitive types prefer, “elder fur.” Because the fandom tends to be so chronologically challenged, anyone 30 and over is considered “mature” by furry standards. I like greymuzzle because I have grey on my muzzle and because I believe it makes me look distinguished and shows that I’ve been around the block a few times. Anyway, I founded a group on Facebook for greymuzzles that you are most welcome to join. I believe that people who are greymuzzles are hardcore furries. Many young furries are joiners and posers. They join the fandom because they think it’s outrageous and cool (which it is), but then when they get into the “real world,” finish school, get a job, etc., they consider furries childish and drop out of doing furry stuff. These are the “furry lights.” They don’t have true furry hearts. If you are a real furry, you are ALWAYS a furry until the day you die, is what this bear says! So, welcome welcome, Spirit Bear! Love having another bear in the fandom! And your name says to me you see furry as something deeper than the fur. Good for you! My advice: have fun with it. Avoid drama, whenever possible. Also, if you are financially secure, watch out for moochers and users (there are some of these around, sad to say). Attend furmeets and furcons (you will NOT be the oldest fur at Anthrocon, believe me), get involved with any special interest groups within the fandom (e.g., I also have a FB group just for bears), And just enjoy it as much as possible. Life is waaaaay too short not to be enjoyed. Remember, the only real time you have is right now, so make the most of it. Stay Furry, Papabear
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Dear Papabear,
So I have been a furry for a while but I haven't told my parents! The reason is because when I was first learning about the furry community I clicked on a website without knowing what it was and it was a 18+ website with all kinds of unholy horrors. And unluckily for me my mom was standing right behind me! Now because of my mistake that's what they think of the furry community! So how do I tell them that I'm into furry stuff but I'm not into all of that adult stuff? Anonymous (age 15) * * * Dear Young Furiend, Papabear realizes there are many furries like you who are under 18 and wish to do fun furry stuff without the X-rated and other adult things in the fandom. I would like to say that the furry fandom is a sweet, childlike, and innocent hobby for the entire family. The truth is, it isn’t. You see, young one, the furry fandom began when some artists and writers (back around 1980 or so), who enjoyed the cartoons and comics made for children, decided that they wanted to create some art and stories with animal-like characters but that these would have more adult themes (Omaha the Cat Dancer is the best early example of this). Some themes dealt with violence, some with sex and sexuality, and they often had very adult language, gay themes, and drug references and criminal behavior. The best stories have also dealt with serious themes, including war, racism, slavery, and more. Over time, this idea grew and grew and became more and more diverse. Some very good writing that is nonsexual has come out of it (check out the story collection Furry! edited by Fred Patten, for example); some graphic tales that have violence and adult themes, but don’t emphasize sex, have also come out that are great (I was introduced recently to the Blacksad tales by Juan Díaz Canales and Juanjo Guarnido about a detective in a furry world that has a lot of violence, but the stories are very well written and illustrated), and even some first attempts at movies (Bitter Lake in 2013) have been made. But, really, much of the stuff in the furry world is for adults and there is a lot of graphically sexual material. You simply can’t avoid it. Even people who are not interested in it, like you, will still stumble upon it (you can hit the SFW button on FurAffinity, but not all sites have this feature). On the other side, there are Christian furs and cartoony furs and fursuiters who do charity work and raise money for animals and all kinds of nice things. Going to furcons can be a blast! But, again, it’s all about the company you keep. A couple things you can do, hon. For one thing, you can still enjoy a lot of the movies and cartoons that furries enjoy featuring talking animals and produced by such companies as Disney and Pixar etc. I’m sure your parents won’t object to G-rated cartoons made for the general public. As for the other, you can tell your parents you like some of the creative furry things that some people are doing out there, but you realize that there is adult stuff to avoid and you understand they don’t want you to look at it and neither do you! Therefore, encourage them to monitor your Internet use. Welcome them to check out furry communities that are safe and to help you to avoid those that are not. Here are a couple sites Papabear can recommend:
That’s enough to get you started. You can also subscribe to clean furry art pages on Tumblr and join discussion groups on Facebook or other social sites. The key is to allow—even encourage—your parents to be involved so they don’t think you’re doing anything they would not approve of. The modern furry fandom really is for adults, and you should therefore tread lightly, but it can be made fun for young furs if you surf carefully. Good luck and hope you have fun! Papabear Hi Papabear,
I must be honest I only found out about you today, but seeing some of the things fellow furries have asked you and seeing your responses, I immediately have huge respect for you and I'd like to say that I appreciate what you are doing. (especially to the recent suicide note, I am extremely sorry for the experience you had to go through Jean, I am here for you if you need any help because I'm also from South Africa :3) In South Africa, the furry population isn't the largest so I personally have only chatted to furries over the internet and not in person.. Anyways I was wondering a couple of things about the furry fandom you can clear up for me. 1. I know usually the adult or "yiff" part of the furry fandom is frowned upon, but is it "wrong" to enjoy those kind of things within moderation of course? 2. I know that most furries are simply into artwork, but being a furry can entail (excuse the pun_ many different things depending on the person. I believe that my fursona is something which I want to be in real life if possible, and that I kinda am a furry "trapped" inside a human body if that makes sense. I'm wondering if that is common in the fandom or is it "strange". What does being a furry mean to you? I am still relatively new to the fandom and I am still discovering myself in life, and well.. I'd like to know some more information if possible. Again thanks so much for all of the time, effort and work you have put into helping furries like myself, I appreciate you so much Yours sincerely Tocs :3 * * * Dear Tocs, I’ve been getting more and more letters like yours asking about the nature of furry, what it entails, and on and on. It makes me realize more how I have to get my tail moving on the book I am writing about the fandom (it’s coming!) I could go on and on about how the fandom got where it is today and what it means to be furry these days, but that’s what the book’s about! It’s also a guide to the fandom (everything from how to run a furry business to how to perform in a fursuit and more). For now, let’s just focus on your two questions. 1. Whether or not “yiff” is frowned upon depends entirely on whom you ask. Some furries have no problem with it, and others feel offended by it. The fact is that it is part of the fandom and not going anywhere. The whole idea of anthros and furries evolved in the 1980s when certain artists and writers decided that what was then “funny animals” cartoons should have a more adult spin. This gave us everything from “Omaha the Cat Dancer” to “Associated Student Bodies” to the more in-your-face furporn you often see online. The difference between something like Omaha and the gratuitous sex in, say, an issue of Genus, is that the former include sex as part of the story while the latter is basically just a bunch of sexy images to get someone aroused. Is it “wrong” to be aroused by such things. Of course not. Sexuality is a part of human nature. Everyone has sexual fantasies of one sort or another, and if you get excited by an anthro character in the buff, that’s fine. As you say, if it’s in moderation, it’s okay. You only get into problems when sex becomes an addiction that interferes with the rest of your life, a topic I’ve written about before in this column. 2. Quite a few furries, including yours truly, feel like we don’t really belong in human bodies. At one end of this spectrum are therians (people who transform physically or spiritually into other animals—e.g. werewolves) and otherkin (people who feel they are elves, dragons, and other creatures considered by most humans as mythological or simply not human) to the other end of the spectrum where people just long to be other animals but know they (currently) are human. I’m more on the spiritual side of this in that I feel that the grizzly bear is the most prominent of my spiritual guides on my Medicine Wheel. Furries are a diverse group. Some are artists, some are gamers, some are fursuiters, some are writers, some are more into the spiritual side of it. It has become a very complex group of people. The neat thing is that you can make of furry what you want. Remember: do not let anyone try to tell you “a furry is this and a furry is not that.” Don’t worry about defining it. Just be it. Hugs, Papabear I stumbled on this website while searching for clarity. I have a 14 year old son who I discovered identifies himself as a Furry. I am not going to lie—it worries me. And I am big enough to admit it is because I can't wrap my head around it.
His father and I are divorced, it has been rough on the kid. So I get the fantasy, the escapism, the role playing side of this. I can understand that. I have found anime furry porn, so it is the possible sexual side that is concerning for me. He isn't a very confident kid, he struggles to fit in, always has. He does have friends and a social life—but what scares the hell out of me is his lack of confidence leading to him being taken advantage of—I am not trying to be disrespectful, I am trying to understand so I can support and protect my kid. I honestly don't care about sexual orientation, I just want to understand this so I don't freak out on him or shame him in any way. I love him dearly and want to be able to parent him without ignorance or being judgmental—I lack the knowledge. Thank you, Anonymous (Roanoke VA) * * * Dear Parent, Thank you so much for your letter! I wish more parents were like you and, instead of blindly telling their children they cannot be furries, carefully investigated the issue as you are doing. You are clearly, also, a kind and loving parent. Bless you for that. I’m currently working on a book all about the fandom, but it won’t be out until December at the earliest, so let’s try to address this as best as possible right here. Just very quickly, the furry fandom began in the early 1980s when a bunch of science fiction and fantasy fans started meeting at sci-fi conventions to share their mutual interest in books and movies that featured anthropomorphic animal characters (in other words, a subgenre of science fiction). But the story is even older than that. There is a long history of fiction and fables featuring characters who are a mix of animal and human going back to Greek and Roman mythology. Such stories started because of human beings’ desire to connect to the natural world. In many mythologies there was a time when human beings could communicate with animals and were friends with them (the story of Adam in the Garden of Eden would be the Christian example), but we—largely through our own fault—lost that connection. Today, that feeling of loss and disconnectedness in our civilized world where most kids only see wild beasts in a zoo is very tangible. So, I believe that one reason there are furries is because we want to regain that connection. Another reason is fantasy, of course. A lot of people admire the qualities of animals and wish they had them. For example, having the strength of a lion or to be able to fly like an eagle. Have you ever read the story “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” by James Thurber? (They turned it into a horrible Ben Stiller film). It’s wish fulfillment. Some wish fulfillment can be purely escapist, but often it is an exercise of the imagination, and imagination is actually a good thing to encourage. The other thing about the furry fandom is that it is a community. Indeed, that is probably the most important aspect of it. I am attaching, FYI, a scholarly paper discussing the importance of community and how the furry fandom provides that for many young (and old) people [Papa note: unfortunately, can't attach the paper here on this site]. Also, here is a link to a (long) video these authors presented at a convention that you can watch online https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6zYWmvHnZQ. Now, when it comes to pornography. I am sure you understand the hazards of the Internet and that furry pornography (furporn) is just one of many types of porn (regular human porn far outweighs the amount of furporn). Sadly, to view this material online, you don’t need to prove your age. My first suggestion to you, therefore, is that you install parental controls onto your child’s computer. At age 14 he should not be viewing such material, I know you’ll agree. Indeed, this isn’t just about porn; there are many other dangers out there on the Internet, ranging from stalkers to gambling sites to sites that will install malware and destroy your computer and more. Really, a parent needs to supervise what a minor is accessing (and you can explain this to him as being about safety in general). Another thing you can do is put his computer in the living room or kitchen and not allow him to have his computer in his bedroom. You have a right as a parent—indeed, an obligation—to know what he is doing online. The best way to avoid resentment on his part regarding the computer is to take an active interest in his furriness, and be supportive. Go to a furmeet with him, or a furry convention. He will probably adore you if you take him to a furcon. There, you will witness firsthand that furries are very benign and accepting and loving people. They will LOVE it when they find out you are a parent taking your 14-year-old to the convention (and don’t be surprised if you get hugs from people you never met! We’re very huggy). I am emphasizing here, perhaps a bit ironically given the subject, that the REAL world is very different from the online world. This is true, whether you are a furry or, as we call you, a mundane. You realize the distinction between what is online and what is in the real world, I should hope, so please do not judge furries solely by what you see online. Meet them in person. You’re in Virginia, so you could attend Fur the 'More, which is in Tysons Corner, VA, near Washington, D.C., and I just found out there is a new furry convention at Virginia Beach, starting next year, called Fursonacon (http://www.fursonacon.com/) that you should check out. For a more extensive list of furry conventions, go here https://en.wikifur.com/wiki/List_of_conventions_by_attendance. That link comes from a website called Wikifur, which I recommend to you as a legitimate source of furry information without all the hype you’ll get from nonfurry websites. As you become more and more familiar with furries, you will see that a definition of furriness is no simple thing. We are a very diverse group, and this diverse group is very accepting of other people from all walks of life: different races, ages, religions, political beliefs, and so on. The mistake most people make is trying to categorize us, label us neatly, put us in a little box. It can’t be done. Your son can be anything he wants to be in the furry community, and, I believe, a very important symbol of that diversity is how furries adopt different animal species (or even mix of species) as their fursonas (furry personas or alter egos) and you are accepted, whether you are a wolf, a tiger, a bear, a hawk, or even a dragon! I hope this has helped with an introduction to the fandom. Please check out the links I gave you and continue to educate yourself about your son’s interest. The best parent is the parent who loves a child unconditionally, sharing in his or her life. Be involved, not controlling; there is a huge difference. I sympathize with you that it is a very tough job raising a person (remember, you are not raising a child, you are raising a human being) when you have been divorced, and I applaud you for your efforts! Your son is very lucky to have you in his life. Please write again if you have any other questions. Hugs, Papabear Hello Papabear, I am wondering how am I supposed to become a popufur since way back then until now. No matter how hard myself trying on improving my conversation between people, fixing up my self-image, making new friends (fur friends and real life human) and learn and googled about how to strike a conversation and keeping it going on, but I failed to do so! Does Papabear have any valuable advice and guidance that will not only help me improve myself but becoming a popufur I would gladly appreciate and practice until I become a popufur. Thanks, Papabear. I am looking foward for your reply! From a shy wolf, VolkWolf (age 20, Malaysia) * * * Dear VolkWolf, Nice to hear from a furry all the way from Malaysia :-3 I can see you’re learning English pretty well, although still struggling a bit. Because of that, you might not realize what a popufur is. Popufurs are people who want to be popular for the sake of popularity. This might sound cool, but, in truth, it is a very shallow attitude to have. People who desperately seek to have lots of followers on furry and other social websites do so because they wish to be validated. That is, they wish to be seen as valuable furries in the community. Whether or not that attention is deserved is not important; all that matters to a popufur is that he or she be seen as something special and someone to be envied and put on a pedestal. What you, I hope, really want is to make more friends in the furry community, and to make more connections to people who share your interests both locally and around the world. That is the better goal to set for yourself. Real, true, loyal friends are priceless. Each real friend is worth more than a million groupies who only follow you because you have set yourself up as a “popufur” and they want to join the bandwagon. How do you make friends? Well, you say you are already doing that, which is great, so perhaps you don’t need any tips, but the way to make friends is to be a friend. Be kind to others, be supportive, be interested in their lives and what they have to say. Don’t do anything to hurt them; don’t betray them; try and always keep your word. No one is a perfect friend (I myself have failed to be one on several occasions, to my regret), but it is something toward which you should always strive. So, VolkWolf, my advice to you is this: you're asking the wrong question; don’t try to be a popufur; try to be the best friend to others that you can be. Little else matters in this world other than kindness and love. If we all were kind and loving to one another, just think what an amazing world it would be. Hugs, Papabear P.S. If you'll indulge me, this reminds me of a song I love by Steve Martin. Dear Papabear,
This is the first time I write to you and I've to admit that my question isn't that important compared to others. However I wasn't able to find an answer anywhere on the Internet, which is the reason why I feel I've to bother you with it anyway. Of course, for me this question IS important. Excuses in advance for my bad English and the length of the letter. I just recently discovered the fandom and, at first sight, seemed to know immediately that it's the right place for me, even better than what I've always hoped to find, which was only at least one person who shares my interests. Finally, per lucky accident, I found a place where I know that I should belong and where the people are just amazing! However I found out something very special about me and other furries: While seemingly everyone is fascinated or somehow attracted to animals, animals are not really my thing. I'm sure that I'm furry, I love anthropomorphic characters (yep, I prefer “characters” instead of “animals”) but I guess that I need to see certain signs of “civilized species” like humans are (or at least should be ;) ) in order to take a life form seriously as a person and see it on the same level, both intellectually and in terms of (sexual) attractiveness, or in order to be just interested in the character and the personality itself (by the way, I also find anthros MUCH more interesting than humans, humans—bah; however I can be sexually attracted to humans, as well -weird-). And yes, I can even be sexually attracted to anthros (yay!) as long as I see enough humanity or more precisely, as I call it, “characteristics of civilized species” in a character. I should mention that I also like some near-animal characters like "Bolt" very much, but not in terms of sexual attraction. This leads to a very strange and funny thing I also found out: Before I discovered the fandom, I haven't even related anthros to animals. To me, anthros were anthros (to be more precise, I explained anthros as alien life forms) and animals were just animals. I think even the perception of anthros being aliens from an other world makes them cool to me. From my point of view animals are just not really cool. I mean I like animals as much as a typical non-furry would do, maybe even a bit less (often calling dogs “mutts”), but for me, animals kind of represent an uncivilized, primitive lifestyle, which I don't like. That's also the reason why proper clothing of anthros is so important for me! Anthros were really separate species to me, which could only have similarities to animal species, but I've never seen a sort of “animal spirit” in them. As you might have noticed, I'm especially a fan of alien, but also some mythical furry species (my fursona is a hybrid of fictional species from both types). Please note that I can also equally like more common furry species, and that I'm open to accept about any furry species as such (even animals, though they aren't my thing. If someone is a furry because he/she has a deep relationship to animals—that’s fine for me). In fact I'd like any humanoid furry species and even some "primitive" ones in special cases (like Bolt)! But I'm quite helpless with animals. I'm partly afraid of animals when they come close to me, or more precise, I'm shy of them and I'm shy of interacting with them (dogs, even cute kitties). Besides that I'm also neither very interested in animals nor attracted by them at all. Before I discovered the fandom there seemed to be no link between anthros and animals for me. Although I find some animals on screen, mostly drawn or animated, quite cool and I really like plushies, all together I'm not SUCH a big fan of animals. Sorry for this long explanation but I wanted to be as precise as possible for the following section: I lost my own personality because of my point of view... I felt that in order to be accepted by the fandom I would have to get better with animals, and I even succeeded somehow, but I wasn't feeling the same anymore. Suddenly I realized that my feelings towards anthros and how I see them have changed as well—to the worse. I somehow lost my personal furriness which was just horrible!!! After years of wondering if there is anyone out there like me and finally finding a place where I should belong, losing this special something which was defining me since like elementary school and being the reason why I even discovered the fandom at first was nearly unbearable! I wasn't myself anymore, I didn't know who I am anymore and I got really upset because I feared that I lost my actual furriness just to be counted as a furry—how silly is that?! Right now I recovered a bit thanks to your column and some intense meditation, walking up and down in my room for hours. But I'm still concerned about that and I'm also still in the process of "recovering" my own personality, finding back to myself and my actual, beautiful furriness, which I've always loved, not knowing that it was called furriness then, and which I was always happy about and I am also proud of by this time. Thanks to your column I was at least able to figure out that I AM definitely a furry: I am interested in anthropomorphic characters (which isn't even a close description of my feelings I had back then when I was younger and before I discovered the fandom and read about animals, the feelings I now hope to feel again soon) and I consider myself as a furry. Immediately I felt much better when I found out! However I wasn't able to get out of writing to you at last. My question is: Is my point of view about animals, which is part of my furriness as I define it, relevant to my furriness to be counted as actual furriness? Or to put it this way: Will my definition of my furriness be overall accepted by the fandom? Will I be seen as the furry I definitely am? Because I'm not so sure about that since I couldn't find anything about anybody who shares my kind of furriness. I also fear staying alone, not ever finding a girl I want to spend the rest of my life with, who is a furry but understands it when I don't want to have (bigger) animals around me. I'm really looking forward to your answer because every time I read about the role animals play in furries' lives, I ask myself: Do I really belong in the fandom (I know that I should, but do I)? And if: Is there anyone in the fandom who shares my thoughts on this topic, or does furry mean that you also have to like animals in order to be accepted by the fandom? I mean I took several Internet tests on furriness and because most of them were about interests and identification with animals (not anthros) they told me that I wasn't furry and I'm just a bloody human and shall piss off! That really shocked me and made me angry as well ('cause I am so what furrrrry!! *grrr*), followed by inner conflicts as I've already told you, deciding to change my view on animals etc., etc... leading to the situation I'm currently in: Knowing that I'm furry but still without any approval from the fandom, plus that I somehow temporarily lost my personal furriness (that is actually much worse and more important), which led to even bigger inner conflicts, which are still there beneath the surface after the "calming down" phase, which still isn't over yet, and so on... Just to clear things up: I already know—again—that I'm furry, thanks to your column, but I don't know if the fandom is going to accept my view on animals and me as a furry. And of course, it bothers me how I should cope with animals now and I wonder why I've never compared anthros to animals before. But that is in fact the current problem with my furriness: Now I compare anthros with animals and I'm somehow, I don't know, sort of disappointed or even frustrated when I look at anthros this way, like I never did before. Anyway I know that my feelings towards anthros have changed ... what shall I do? :( Thank you sooooo much for taking you the time answering this one! (even reading this one, lol)! I know, this may be a tough one for you and it really hurts me to bother you with this letter... I also wish to give you a thousand thanks for everything you put up for furries, not only this awesome column, but also the AFA! I enjoy both very much and I am always happily surprised by the diversity of topics and people in the fandom since I'm very very new to it. Thank you! Patrick Drabax (age 19) PS: My personal definition of a furry: Someone who is in any thinkable way or even in several ways intensely attracted to at least one character of at least one species of any kind you can imagine except the human species. Assuming that, I believe that probably anyone has a furry inside him- or herself, like anyone has some sort of musician inside him- or herself, because it's something which is in human nature, I think, and most people just don't know. * * * Dear Patrick, My goodness, aren’t you the chatty one! Thank you for your comments on my column; I’m sorry to tell you that the AFA is on indefinite hold, however. I had to admit to myself that I simply don’t have the time to devote to it as it needs. Maybe, when I retire, I will look into it again. Of course, perhaps someone else will decide a nonprofit association for all furries will be a good idea and take up the torch instead. The good news is that this column will be here as long as I’m alive and have my paws and faculties operating. After such a lengthy missive, I like to summarize what I believe the writer’s point is. If I have your viewpoint correct, you love anthro characters, especially in science fiction, but really are not drawn to animals themselves, nor are you into humans. You feel that, because a lot of furries do love animals or, like me, feel they have a spiritual connection to them, that you are being rejected by the fandom. Actually, dear young one, you are rather a throwback to the original furries who started the modern fandom. They were all science fiction fans who first met at sci-fi conventions and discussed their interest in anthro characters within the genre. In fact, the mother of all furry comics, Albedo, was a furry sci-fi adventure story that debuted in 1983 (I believe there have been no new ones since 2005). So, your concept of furries as being alien species certainly fits the bill of how they were originally conceived by the founders of the modern fandom. Since that time, the fandom has grown and diversified tremendously, and there are many subcultures within the subculture. Some people say you have to have a fursuit, some people say you have to have a connection to animals, some people say they have connections to other worlds or that they can actually transform spiritually or physically into an animal or were-creature, and some people say, “Get over yourselves, it’s just for fun.” It has gotten so complicated that there really is no such thing as a unified, homogeneous “furry fandom.” We use the term as an all-inclusive way to describe anyone who has anything to do with or who has an interest in fictional creatures who are part human and part animal (either real or mythological). Are you a furry? Yes, indeed you are, and you know it. Are you at risk of being “rejected” by the fandom? Well, I suppose some narrow-minded people who feel they must put labels on people will reject you, but people like that aren’t fun to be around anyway, so why worry about them? There are plenty of good furries who will like you for you and will have fun talking to you about the same things you enjoy. If you spend enough time socializing with other furries, you’ll find them. You’re new to the fandom, so I guess you’re a bit anxious and nervous about being accepted, but just as you have made the mistake of thinking you can be rejected by an entire subculture of people, don’t think that all furries are the same. It might seem simple to say that furries are people who like anthro characters, but the truth, like most things, is a lot more complex than that. Don’t let others define you. Don’t let others tell you what a furry is (not even me LOL). You have your own sense of what a furry means for you on a personal level, and that’s just as legitimate as anyone else’s definition. (I don’t know what “tests” you took, but who cares? Why is some test on the Internet more valid than your own belief system? Answer: it’s not.) Please make yourself at home. And, when you meet furries, take them on an individual basis. Some will become friends, others mere acquaintances, and some may not like you. That’s life. No different in the furry world than it is in the human one. Stay furry! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
First off, I just want to say that I think it's wonderful that you run this column and promote all the love and acceptance for so many people. Now, onto the question. It's more of a question of personal mental and spiritual juxtaposition. You see, since I don't talk to an awful lot of people in the fandom, I've never understood major consensus on everyone's motivations for being furries. I assumed there would be a large amount that simply do it because they find the roleplay fun, or because they are trying to escape their mundane identities. As far as myself, my motivations run deeper than mere fandom. I remember someone else here that mentioned the same thing, but I'm a therianthrope (person with an animal soul) and my theriotype (animal species of alignment) is a Siberian Husky; the same as my fursona. This piece of my identity kind of sits on the nexus of a lot of other personality traits that mostly line up with "insanity" or other anomalies that most would think are contrary to the model of a sane, healthy person. I wanted to know if you had a certain calling to being a furry that came out of a connection you have to your persona's animal that stemmed from just your personality, or if it came echoing from deeper into your core being. The main reason why I ask is because I wondered how many people felt the same as I do, or at least similarly or partially the same. I remember you said you dabbled a bit, or at least used to look into pagan practices, so I was curious about your take on the situation. If it clarifies anything as far as my background goes, I'm a pagan and practitioner of magick, so I have studied a lot about all sorts of spiritual alignment, animal totems, and shamanism. I've always wondered how closely animal totems and therioshamanism line up with the furry fandom and what exactly set the "furry fandom" apart from other people. Anything you have to say would be greatly appreciated, so please speak freely. Thanks for taking the time to read this; I really appreciate the input. Sincerely yours, Johnny Sonshine, Husky Extraordinaire * * * Hi, Johnny, you extraordinary person you ;-) Mundanes think that all furries are alike, but those within the fandom who have been here a while know that we are just as diverse as, say, Americans. Within America you have all different kinds of races, ethnicities, nations of origin, religions, and so on. What makes us all Americans is our being part of a nationality. Same with furries. Although we all share a love of anthropomorphic animals, within our group we are quite diverse—not only races, ethnicities, religions, and sexual preferences, but also different ways of approaching furries. We have hobbyists (people who see the fandom as a hobby, akin to, say, being a Trekkie or collecting butterflies), we have lifestylers (more seriously into it, and doing things such as fursuiting and really relishing seeing themselves as part animal), therians and otherkin, Bronies (yes, I include Bronies), and those who are very spiritually connected to their animal side. We also get something of other fandoms mixing in with ours, such as anime fans and steampunk aficionados. I adore fursuiting and just love the bear suit Beastcub made for me. I love the art of the fandom, too, and some of the comic books and such that I see out there. Spirituality is also very important to me. I have, of course, a strong connection to bear, and I have learned some things about the Medicine Wheel from my erstwhile teacher Blackbear and how my bear side is positioned in the West part of that Wheel and how it is important to seek balance with other animals, even though bear dominates in my case. Not only is that true spiritually, but it relates to my sexuality and my connection to the gay bear community. You are not insane to believe you have this connection, too. My definition of insanity is when you have a disconnection with reality such that you cannot function in the real world. For example, say you believed you were a husky, ran around on all fours, ate dog food, barked, and refused to speak English, you would be insane. But, given your letter as evidence, you understand perfectly well who you are, who others around you are, and you can function in the daily world. Anyway, back to your question. In my case, I discovered furry first and, later, my connection to bear and the spiritual side of it. It wasn't a spiritual calling, but a fascination with the artwork and characters that initially drew me to furries. I’m sure there are others out there who have had the reverse experience. You are certainly not alone in your feelings. I’m sure you have found other therians such as yourself online in their own groups and also among those in the furry fandom. I’m not sure of exact numbers (although a 2013 survey found that about 11% of furries identified as therians). Probably, just guessing, there are thousands like you out there, given we are a nation of about 317 million people. Still a small minority, but definitely enough to find people online and to discuss your shared feelings and, perhaps, make some friends. Within the fandom, there are therians and there are those who are interested in shamanism and other spiritual beliefs that go back far before the days of Christianity and even Judaism. You’ll find them on Furry4Life, Facebook, SoFurry, FurAffinity, and lots of other places if you look. Good luck! Papabear Dear Papa Bear,
I am a new furry, and ever since deciding that I am a furry, I feel much happier with myself. Despite this, I face a major issue with myself, I often times feel as though my human self is not adequate compared to my fursona. From what I gather, many furries are simply artistically furry, only being furry online. I see an additional group of furries that fursuit, go to conventions, etc. But I have yet to see any furry like myself, I'm not trying to say I am unique, I am only concerned. It's hard to put into words, but essentially I wish I was my fursona, inside and out. I dream of having fur, a tail, ears, muzzle (I'm a wolf btw) and everything else. I dream of having to have holes in my pants for my tail to fit, holes in hats for my ears to fit. I want to be a furry, but it scares me for so many reasons... It scares me because I might lose all my family and friends, it scares me because I might not ever be successful because of prejudice, it scares me because, in all honesty it's only possible when I'm dead and in the heavens above. So overall Papa Bear, I guess I'm looking for advice on what a young furry is supposed to do when all they want is the impossible? Thanks, Z-Man (age 17) * * * My Dear Z-Man, It might seem like it because you are still new to furry, but you actually are not alone. There are quite a few furries who feel as you do. Me, for one. I find humans rather ugly, really. Snouts and fur and tails are beautiful, wings, too, and I wish I looked like my alter ego. There are some furries—and some who don’t necessarily think of themselves as furry, but are in a group that many associate with us—who feel they are their fursona self, either physically or spiritually or both. These people fall into either the Therian or Otherkin groups. Therians consider themselves, in one way or another, to be animals (wolves, bears, etc.), while Otherkin consider themselves to be what many would consider fantastical beings (elves, faeries, dragons, etc.). How true that is is a matter for considerable debate. I feel myself connected to bear in a spiritual way, but don’t believe I actually am ursine. I do have a spirit bear, though :-) As you have come to realize, to actually take the form of, in your case, an anthrowolf would be inviting great difficulty into your life. I was once at a con where Uncle Kage (Sam Conway, who is one of the furries who heads Anthrocon and is a frequent speaker on behalf of furries) gave a talk about what it would be like if people could actually be their fursonas. How would they adjust to life in the real world? Even such mundane things as clothing and furniture would be difficult (you mention a hole in the pants for a tail—well, try stuffing your tail through that every day—annoying). Being able to talk when your mouth is shaped like a wolf’s would be nearly impossible (I would imagine a new type of language would have to develop). Most disturbing, though, would be the instant prejudice furries would face from the human race. We’d be “freaks.” We wouldn’t be allowed to get jobs or go to school or live in neighborhoods with humans. Total alienation would result. The only way it might possibly work would be if everyone were a furry. But, I imagine, if that happened, we’d be faced with new prejudices, such as wolves against rabbits, bears against tigers, and so forth, prejudices that would be even more pronounced than our current racial troubles because the differences would be much more physically obvious. There are people in the real world who have had body modifications in order to look more like an animal. The most extreme example that I can think of was Dennis Avner (aka Stalking Cat). He tattooed his body with stripes, put implants in his cheeks to make them more pronounced, teeth were filed into fangs, ears surgically modified to be pointed, even whisker implants and a robotic tiger tail became a part of him. He was a tiger in his soul, as well, adhering to Native American spiritualism, which is where he got his feline name. In the end, he died in what was an apparent suicide (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/13/dennis-avner-stalking-cat-dead-suicide_n_2122947.html). The poor man must have been very unhappy deep down inside. Did he die because he concluded he could never be fully who he wanted to be? Or perhaps because he realized just how much he had destroyed his body and the realization was too much of a shock? Perhaps he could simply no longer bear existing within human society? Only he knew. There is a theory that furries are the way they are because they reject being in the human race, or even have what might be called “species identification” issues. This would be rather akin to what psychologists called “gender identity disorder” in which, for example, a boy identifies with being a girl and feels as if he were born the wrong gender. I, personally, don’t like calling it a “disorder.” Species identification “complex,” shall we say, would be the extreme end of the spectrum compared to furries who are merely hobbyists. That’s how it all started, after all, as a hobby, and that’s how many furries say it should remain. A small group of people meeting at science fiction conventions who liked to talk about fiction involving anthropomorphized characters are the ones who founded the modern furry fandom. But to a large portion of the fandom—sometimes called “lifestylers”—it is much more than that. You fit into this latter group. Okay, so we’ve established you are not alone and we’ve established that actually becoming your fursona in a physical way is neither realistic nor practical, possibly even harmful. You also mention a bit of wishful thinking that, after you pass on to the next life, you will be able to be your fursona in the other world—a thought that frightens you. Again, I empathize. My spiritual teacher, who is a bear therian, truly believes he will rejoin with Mother Bear in the next world. I would love it, too, if I could achieve my true form after this life. But let’s not rush into anything. Papabear believes we are given this life in order to learn from it, in order to accomplish something in this life. For instance, my teacher, Blackbear, founded a nonprofit in order to help save bears and also to educate dunderheads (“civilized people” who have only witnessed wildlife on TV and movies) how to behave properly when camping in bear territory (http://www.byronbear.com/default.asp or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/Byron-T-Bear-Foundation/120005704736959). After decades of struggle, I now believe that Papabear was put here to write this column. Years ago, if I had succeeded in my suicide attempt during one of the most troubled times of my life, I would not be here today to help others. You are here, too, to help others in some way, but you haven’t found that purpose quite yet at the tender age of 17. So, please do stick around and don’t wish for that final day, which will come soon enough, believe me. You are not alone in wanting the impossible. But wishing for the impossible is how we dream. There was an author named Charles Lutwidge Dodgson. You might be familiar with his other name: Lewis Carroll. He loved a girl named Alice, the daughter of Henry George Liddell, the dean of Christ Church College, Oxford. Carroll took a lot of photos of Alice, and he was truly enamored by her, though, she being just a girl, of course he could do nothing about it. Instead, he created a magical world called Wonderland that Alice, in his mind, could inhabit. There is one scene in Through the Looking Glass in which Alice is rescued from the woods by a knight whom many interpret to be Carroll. The knight, though heroic, is physically awkward (rather like Carroll). If you read the scene, there are few things as heart-wrenching as when the knight bids Alice farewell and she, crossing the last brook to go on her way, is transformed into a queen and leaves his life forever, just as Alice eventually left Carroll to live her life. Alice goes on to conquer the Red Queen, awakening to speculate that perhaps she, too, is just a dream. What is more real? Reality or our dream of reality as it should be? Our imaginations, our hopes and dreams are just as real as houses and schools and taxes and politicians and jobs. They are just as much a part of us and they make us who we are. Our physical form is a mere illusion. What is in your heart is what is real, Z-Man. Even if people—including you—cannot see your tail.... it is there. Hugs, Papabear Papabear,
I just found out my 13 year old younger brother is a furry what advice can you give me that will help me be a better sister? I am female 22 years old and I live out of home. My brother lives with my single mum and I visit them weekly. I used to live with them and contribute to looking after him like a parent due to the age gap. I have been crying non-stop since I found out. Mostly because he is so incredibly young to even know what specific fetishes are. I know boy seek out pornography when they hit puberty. But I guess I am so shaken because he's just so young. I'm trying my best to understand him. I know there is a difference for people that enjoy the art and fandom. Then there are zoophiles. I have seen some content he posted on minecraft forums that he is sexually attracted to anthro dragons and birds. I guess my issue here is if he was say 17 and I found this out then I probably wouldn't care. But he is so incredibly young, he is still a child! My sexual exploration was BDSM when I was seventeen. My mum flipped out, slapped me in the face and took my computer away. She constantly monitored my MSN conversations by hacking me and saving my history. That’s now in the past but now that my brother has a computer in his room my mother doesn't even care that he goes on 4chan or who he is talking to online. It’s gone from being controlling with me to having no parenting boundaries whatsoever with my younger brother. I know this is a “laundry bag” of stuff but I am desperate for guidance. Please help make the best choice for him. When my brother asked my mum for a computer in his room I told her that. Anonymous * * * Dear Anonymous: You are a good sister for caring about your brother. As I started to read your letter, my first reaction was, “Hold on a second; don’t assume this is about sex,” but then you continued and said you noticed he was sexually attracted to some furry art. So, my second thought is that, while some of this might be about sex, it also might be about him just enjoying furries in general. But, let’s face it, many young people are initially attracted to furry art because of sex. That’s how, to be honest, I first stumbled upon it, and while I am about much more than just furporn now, it is still an attraction. So, let’s talk about it honestly. You worry that your brother is only 13, but, hey, that is when puberty sets in for many people and so it is not surprising at all that he is thinking about sex now. The second issue is accessibility. Thanks to the Internet, people, especially young people under 18, now have easy access to a lot of stuff that, before all this technology, could only be seen by going to a dirty book store or porno house or strip club, where admission was guarded by, often literally, guards. So kids your brother’s age had no way to see it, unless they found dad’s Playboys or a friend got them some copies of it. On the Internet, it is not just furry X-rated art that is easy to view, but pretty much anything. If your brother were not looking at naked furries, he’d probably be looking at something else of an adult nature. As to furry sites, it is my personal opinion that the adult content should be age restricted and pay-only (with a credit card), which would stop many minors (and some cheap adult furries) from viewing it—the latter probably being the reason that these sites don’t impose restrictions as they would lose much of their traffic and, consequently, advertisers. But since I am not a site admin at FurAffinity or any other furry art site, there’s nothing I can do about it. (And, yes, I do advertise on FA because it gets me traffic, and, frankly, it can lead to an open and helpful discussion about sex, just as with this letter). It is really up to the parent to control such viewing. The best way to do this is to have any and all computers placed in the living or dining or kitchen areas of the house, not the kid’s bedroom. Parents need to take an active role in what their children are viewing online, and this is not just about porn but lots of other nasty stuff that kids can be vulnerable to, from cults to hate groups to online predators. So, you might ask, why did you get heavily supervised and your brother did not? It’s possible that, as with many mothers, the first child is the most fretted over and that the parent relaxes some by the time the second or third child comes along; it is also possible that it is because you are a girl who is seen as vulnerable, while, on the other hand, “boys will be boys.” Not saying that’s right thinking, but it is common thinking. You have already suggested to your mother that she be more watchful about your brother’s online behavior. You might bring up those possibilities mentioned above when next you talk to your mom and maybe that would open her eyes up a bit. Let’s assume, then, that your brother will continue to look at furry porn, but why is that disturbing you so much? You, who explored the world of BDSM as a teenager, must realize that teenagers, especially, are going through the phase of exploring their sexuality, and furriness is surely no more disturbing than bondage, domination, and sado-masochism. Actually, depending on the furporn, it is less disturbing than BDSM, especially when you dispel yourself of the erroneous notion that there are a lot of zoophiles in the fandom. In fact, there are no more zoophiles in the furry population then there are in the mundane world, and they are a tiny, tiny, tiny minority. Just to be clear, a zoophile is someone who is sexually attracted to a real animal; furries, importantly, are not necessarily attracted to anthropomorphized characters in a sexual manner, and, if they are, it is not about animal sex, it is about certain appealing features such as fur and tails. To say that a furry wants to make love to a dog is like saying that someone into leather harnesses and chaps wants to screw a cow, or that people attracted to edible underwear want to have intercourse with a bag of Twizzlers. It’s not at all the same thing. So, my final advice to you is to calm down a little bit, and, like the good sister you are, talk to your brother about going through puberty (I’m assuming that your mother is not willing to). Part of his vulnerability is due to the fact that he has no father figure in his life. You can be a father surrogate, while doing so without going into anatomical detail, and just have an open conversation that everyone, including you, has gone through a stage of sexual exploration and that is okay, even if he might be going through it earlier than expected. The important thing to remember is to remind him to always be kind to others (never forgetting that, although you are in cyberspace, there is a real person on the other end of the conversation) and to practice safe sex until such a time comes along that he finds someone he really trusts to be intimate with. (The safe sex talk is critically important, and even though he might protest that “I know all that stuff,” a deeper dialogue will likely reveal that he really doesn’t—you might be surprised by what some young people believe about safe sex these days.) At thirteen, your brother is at a very vulnerable and impressionable age. I wish he had a parent to help guide him, but, barring that, if you are willing, he could really use a great sister like you to ease any confusion he may be having right now, just as you turned to an older advice columnist for a little help. Thank you for writing, and good luck! Papabear Dear Papabear,
I've had a very close friend of mine "abandon" me after I came out as a furry to him. I say "came out" because I know him well enough that he loves to watch crime television and comedy and knows very well how the media defines furries, and that was a definite roadblock. I consider myself straight and I stray away from adult content within the fandom, but it didn't convince him that furries are not directly striving for sex. I've tried to explain it to him, but he refuses to take it in. Now he has avoided me, ignores my IM requests, and blocked me on Steam (narrow-minded, if you asked me), only communicating in public situations such as Facebook or in the presence of our former "group." We had been friends all throughout middle school, tutoring each other (More of me tutoring him...), having birthdays together, cheating on tests in class with each other; All the things that friends do for each other. That was six months ago. I still miss him, and he still hasn't changed any of his methods of contact. I don't know if I should try to rebuild the bridge now that he's had time, or if I should just do what people tell me and "move on" with my life. Is there any way to avoid this happening again, or is it just a normal cycle? Askim, 15, USA * * * Dear Askim, It’s too bad that yours is not an uncommon story. You might compare it to a “friend” who abandons you because he finds out your are gay, for example. Many people have deeply ingrained prejudices about people who are not like them and hate them no matter what the argument might be that being different doesn’t make you a bad person. A number of factors make people behave this way, including: 1) how they were raised by family, 2) their religious upbringing, and 3) how much they cave in to other social pressures. As I have said in other columns, friendships should not be abandoned lightly. You should make every effort you can to educate your (former) friend and try to open his eyes. I’ve posted some useful ones here: http://www.americanfurryassociation.org/videos.html that you could forward to him. (Start at the bottom of the page and work your way up). Also, send him this story http://fotofurnl.deviantart.com/journal/The-Essence-of-Fursuiting-444892870, which is absolutely fantastic! Try to also make him understand that television rarely reflects the truth about the world. Television shows, whether they are talk shows or even the “news,” or that stupid CSI episode, are designed to get ratings, which translates into money. Believing everything you see on TV is the sign of a weak and ignorant mind. I’ll let you be the judge of how much effort is enough. After a certain point, if he doesn’t see the light and is willing to throw away a relationship that was beneficial to both of you because he insists on being closed-minded, you will tire of his nonsense and look for more worthwhile friendships. I hope, however, that you will be able to convince him he is wrong and realize that friendship is more important than pride and prejudice. Good Luck! Papabear |
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